Monday, February 18, 2013

The Next 65 Years

A little over a year ago, I was diagnosed with a deep vein thrombosis in my left calf, a huge section of my leg was riddled with blood clots. I remember lying in the emergency room and watching my world crumble. Up until that point the world was mine for the taking. I had spent the previous summer in Europe, traveling around. I never had the same job for more than a year. I made decisions on a whim and saw where it took me. At the time, I was finishing a degree in elementary education, a career that I didn't even think I would go into after graduating. I had the freedom to choose my next step. The world was mine for the taking.

Then everything fell apart. Inside I felt defeated and destroyed. I could feel that clot clogging up my veins and demolishing all my hopes and dreams. A blood clot meant that my carefree lifestyle had to change. I had to go on blood thinners. I had to carefully monitor what foods I ate and how much alcohol I drank. I had to be careful when traveling. These things were minor I could handle those. Then I found out that I can't ever take hormones medications again. This meant that I can't go on birth control ever again. If I ever wanted to get pregnant, I'd have to be extremely careful as pregnancy increases the risk of blood clots. Now I had lost control of my reproductive choices. I couldn't control my method of contraceptive. I couldn't control my unbelievably painful periods with medication anymore. If I chose to have a child, I could be greatly endangering my health.

Within a matter of hours I began to realize how much my life would have to change. I love performing. I love to act and I love that my life catered to this. I had the freedom to move from job to job if roles became available. I could take time off to focus on acting. With a blood clot in my life I would now need to get a job that had health insurance. A job that could provide for me if I had another clot. 

I had lost my ability to make choices for myself. I was so angry. I felt so incredibly alone. When you're sick you become so self focused that you don't see the see the good. I stopped loving myself. I felt diseased and couldn't see past the poison in my body.  I clung to the bad relationship I was in. I felt that my love life was one thing I could control. If I could make this one person fall in love with me life would be okay. If I could have just one person tell me I was beautiful despite the swollen leg, despite the black bruises caused by the Warfarin, despite the fact that I was lost, life would turn around. But I couldn't control this either.

Time moved on and my blood clot started to dissolve. I turned 27. I got dumped. I graduated with my second bachelor's degree. I took a trip with my family. I wanted my life to return to normal, to my normal. I refused to turn in any applications for teaching positions. If I became a teacher I wouldn't have the freedom to do as much theatre. As summer passed, I told myself that I would maintain my life the way it was before the clot. So I auditioned for an educational theatre tour and took out an independent health insurance policy. I had to work extra hours every week to pay for that health insurance but dammit I wasn't going to change.

This January rehearsal for that tour started without me. I was crushed. Not because I didn't get the role but because this was my last chance. My friends insisted that there's always next year. But they didn't understand. I can't audition next year. I can't afford to live this way. I can't keep working 60-80 hour work weeks to pay for independent health care. I can't maintain this life anymore physically or emotionally. I realized that I am still angry. In many ways I feel that this blood clot stole my dreams from me. Right before my diagnoses I had realized what I wanted in life and I had set out a list of goals for myself. I was going to focus everything on being a paid working actress. Now I can't afford to work towards that dream. 

When I was younger I had this beautiful life plan. I would be an actress. I would be the funniest girl you'd ever met. I would travel in my spare time. I would be married to a wonderful man who adored me. Life would be so limitless. 

Today I called my mom crying, crying about feeling like I had lost, like I had been robbed. My life feels so limited. There is no choice. She suggested I plan the next 65 years of my life. The next 65 years...that is such a long time. Life is the longest thing we will ever do. Thinking about what I wanted to do with the next 65 years made me think about the last 27:
I have traveled to at least 15 countries.
I once held onto a sea turtle's shell in the wild and let it pull me through the ocean.
I have 4 amazing nieces which I get to watch grow up.
I have earned a bachelor's degree in theatre arts and in elementary education.
I am a performer with the Red Light Variety Show and have a space to work on my physical comedy.
I have been zip lining, zorbing, white water rafting, mountain climbing and so much more.
I've swam in jello, spaghetti, and fruit loops.
I once had an octopus swim in front of me in one of the most magical moments in my entire life.

The next 65+ years are going to be filled with the most mind blowing things. Maybe my most important life moments haven't happened yet. Over the next year I have to make decisions that will be best for me financially but life isn't going to stop. I still have 4 continents to travel. I still have to start a children's theatre company. I still have to do stand up comedy. I still have to travel cross country by train and visit Machu Picchu and the Great Wall of China and go on a safari and learn how to do a hand stand and travel with a circus. I still have to find out how it feels to fall in love. I have so many firsts left and so many dreams and so many years to accomplish it all.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Holiday Wishes

This is a hard one to explain so just go with it. Enjoy and Happy Holidays.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

You asked for it

Despite having an allergic reaction to certain adhesives afterwards, I feel this is totally worth it.

For you Lynn. I hope this brings intense joy into your day.

And yes I know I'm not suppose to post twice in a row. So if you missed my last post guess what? It is right below this one. Problem solved.

Happy Dancing Everyone!

There are at least 3 nerd references in this video. Can you spot them? :)

Happy watching!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

My WTF and other moments in art history

I recently went to the Prado Museum in Madrid, Spain. And while I saw lots of amazing art (Bosch) and lots of bad art (Goya), I wasn't quite expecting to see so much boob.

Before we dive into the boob though, let's start this post with some of the other weird paintings that Prado has in it's collection. For instance it has an entire room dedicated to "Dwarves and Buffoons" also known more appropriately as little people.

Author: Hamen y León, Juan van der (Spanish)
Title: Portrait of a Dwarf
Ca. 1626

At least he looks pretty pimp in that outfit. Next we move on to the various paintings that depict Saturn eating his children (look up your mythology if you don't know the reference). Now these are pretty awesome, except for Goya's (god what a shitty painter). This one, in my opinion, is the prize of the Prado collection. Its the only one that depicts the child as an actual baby.

Author: Rubens, Peter Paul (Flemish)
Title: Saturn devouring his son

I actually like Rubens a lot. He doesn't hold back. There will be more from him later.

Alright time for the good stuff. Here we have Adam getting handsy with Eve. We see through that whole "I was just trying to stop her from eating the fruit" bit.

Author: Titian (Italian)
Title: Adam and Eve
Ca. 1550

Next we have a simple picture of the Virgin breast feeding Jesus. There were at least 40 images of Mary breast feeding Jesus. Baby J just couldn't get enough. Apparently that is the only thing those two did because there are very few paintings in which Jesus isn't latched on to Mary's teet. In fact I think when they talk about the adoration of the Magi, they were adoring Mary's sweet rack. But I get it, this is the closest priests get to boobs so paint away!

Author: Patenier, Joachim (Flemish)
Title: Rest on the Flight from Egypt
After 1519

Next we have what I call "flash you for a royal title". I love this one. I'm pretty sure this is me in a previous life. And her expression...haha classic!

Author: Tintoretto, Jacopo Robusti (Italian)
Title: Lady Baring her Breast
Ca. 1555

Alright now we head into my top 4 Prado double takes. Here we have Hera giving birth to the milky way with actual breast milk. Now I like my mythology and I've read this story at some point but to see! And it looks like baby Hercules (who, mythology has it, nursed too vigoriously) is enjoying a little of the splash. Then we have the creeper (maybe Zeus?) in the back. Freaking hilarious!

Author: Rubens, Peter Paul (Flemish)
Title: The Birth of the Milky Way
Ca. 1637

And here we have Mary, with the help of Baby J, putting out the flames of Purgatory. Now my Catholicism is a little shaky but I didn't think limbo had flames. Favorite moment: the one angel who looks totally grossed out by the whole situation. I also like that the artist depicts Mary's breasts as just a bag of milk that you can squeeze and it just comes pouring out right on out. Doesn't work that way Dude.

Author: Machuca, Pedro (Spanish)
Title: The Virgin and the Souls of Purgatory

Then...dear lord in that...could it Mary shooting milk into a priest's mouth? Yes folks indeed she is. Here is the story: Saint Bernard, a monk, while praying to the Virgin Mary said "show yourself to be a mother", at which point the statue of Mary came to life, grasped her breast and squirted milk into old Bernie's mouth. The miracle of lactation!

Author: Alonso Cano
Title: The Vision of St Bernard

Oh Bernie....

And last but not least we have my favorite (actually not my favorite but definitely number 1 on the icky list). I actually have not seen this painting, as it is at the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam, but I saw the statue version of it at the Prado. I think it is creepy no matter what medium it appears in. It refers to the legend of Cimon and Pero. Pero was imprisoned and sentence to death. So that he would die quicker he was not allowed to eat. His daughter, Cimon, would visit him everyday and breastfeed him to give him nourishment. The guards respected her charity so much that eventually Pero was set free. This is the story of Roman Charity. Whatever the story this image is burned in my retinas...

Author: Rubens, Peter Paul (Flemish)
Title: Cimon and Pero or Roman Charity
Ca. 1630
Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam

Well I guess that is it. I apologize if there are weird spelling errors or if the post format is off. I have been typing this on a tiny little iPod screen. Oh well...Enjoy!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

No Sex

So my sister, Kat (of, looked up all the different ways to say "No sex!" in Europe. Here is her list so far:

Niet seksueel - Dutch
Aucun sexe - French
Kein geschlecht - German
Sorry the Greek was unwritable
Nessun sesso - Italian
Ningun sexo - Spanish
Na hysplen - Welsh

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Eat Your Heart Out!!

Today was my food fight. It ended up being a small, intimate affair but it was the most fun I've had in a while.
Brad dressed up just for the event.

So did Brady and Hannah...gotta love these two, always down for anything.

And it wouldn't be a party without Clayton.

We had plain spaghetti, spaghetti with meat sauce, whipped cream, oatmeal, ranch, ketchup, mustard, mashed potatoes, silly string, applesauce, stewed tomatoes, eggs, cake, and flour.

There is a sweet video. I will post it later this week.