Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Holiday Wishes

This is a hard one to explain so just go with it. Enjoy and Happy Holidays.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

You asked for it

Despite having an allergic reaction to certain adhesives afterwards, I feel this is totally worth it.

For you Lynn. I hope this brings intense joy into your day.

And yes I know I'm not suppose to post twice in a row. So if you missed my last post guess what? It is right below this one. Problem solved.

Happy Dancing Everyone!

There are at least 3 nerd references in this video. Can you spot them? :)

Happy watching!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

My WTF and other moments in art history

I recently went to the Prado Museum in Madrid, Spain. And while I saw lots of amazing art (Bosch) and lots of bad art (Goya), I wasn't quite expecting to see so much boob.

Before we dive into the boob though, let's start this post with some of the other weird paintings that Prado has in it's collection. For instance it has an entire room dedicated to "Dwarves and Buffoons" also known more appropriately as little people.

Author: Hamen y León, Juan van der (Spanish)
Title: Portrait of a Dwarf
Ca. 1626

At least he looks pretty pimp in that outfit. Next we move on to the various paintings that depict Saturn eating his children (look up your mythology if you don't know the reference). Now these are pretty awesome, except for Goya's (god what a shitty painter). This one, in my opinion, is the prize of the Prado collection. Its the only one that depicts the child as an actual baby.

Author: Rubens, Peter Paul (Flemish)
Title: Saturn devouring his son

I actually like Rubens a lot. He doesn't hold back. There will be more from him later.

Alright time for the good stuff. Here we have Adam getting handsy with Eve. We see through that whole "I was just trying to stop her from eating the fruit" bit.

Author: Titian (Italian)
Title: Adam and Eve
Ca. 1550

Next we have a simple picture of the Virgin breast feeding Jesus. There were at least 40 images of Mary breast feeding Jesus. Baby J just couldn't get enough. Apparently that is the only thing those two did because there are very few paintings in which Jesus isn't latched on to Mary's teet. In fact I think when they talk about the adoration of the Magi, they were adoring Mary's sweet rack. But I get it, this is the closest priests get to boobs so paint away!

Author: Patenier, Joachim (Flemish)
Title: Rest on the Flight from Egypt
After 1519

Next we have what I call "flash you for a royal title". I love this one. I'm pretty sure this is me in a previous life. And her expression...haha classic!

Author: Tintoretto, Jacopo Robusti (Italian)
Title: Lady Baring her Breast
Ca. 1555

Alright now we head into my top 4 Prado double takes. Here we have Hera giving birth to the milky way with actual breast milk. Now I like my mythology and I've read this story at some point but to see it...wow...awkward! And it looks like baby Hercules (who, mythology has it, nursed too vigoriously) is enjoying a little of the splash. Then we have the creeper (maybe Zeus?) in the back. Freaking hilarious!

Author: Rubens, Peter Paul (Flemish)
Title: The Birth of the Milky Way
Ca. 1637

And here we have Mary, with the help of Baby J, putting out the flames of Purgatory. Now my Catholicism is a little shaky but I didn't think limbo had flames. Favorite moment: the one angel who looks totally grossed out by the whole situation. I also like that the artist depicts Mary's breasts as just a bag of milk that you can squeeze and it just comes pouring out right on out. Doesn't work that way Dude.

Author: Machuca, Pedro (Spanish)
Title: The Virgin and the Souls of Purgatory

Then...dear lord in heaven...is that...could it be....is Mary shooting milk into a priest's mouth? Yes folks indeed she is. Here is the story: Saint Bernard, a monk, while praying to the Virgin Mary said "show yourself to be a mother", at which point the statue of Mary came to life, grasped her breast and squirted milk into old Bernie's mouth. The miracle of lactation!

Author: Alonso Cano
Title: The Vision of St Bernard

Oh Bernie....

And last but not least we have my favorite (actually not my favorite but definitely number 1 on the icky list). I actually have not seen this painting, as it is at the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam, but I saw the statue version of it at the Prado. I think it is creepy no matter what medium it appears in. It refers to the legend of Cimon and Pero. Pero was imprisoned and sentence to death. So that he would die quicker he was not allowed to eat. His daughter, Cimon, would visit him everyday and breastfeed him to give him nourishment. The guards respected her charity so much that eventually Pero was set free. This is the story of Roman Charity. Whatever the story this image is burned in my retinas...

Author: Rubens, Peter Paul (Flemish)
Title: Cimon and Pero or Roman Charity
Ca. 1630
Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam

Well I guess that is it. I apologize if there are weird spelling errors or if the post format is off. I have been typing this on a tiny little iPod screen. Oh well...Enjoy!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

No Sex

So my sister, Kat (of katandannasbaby.blogspot.com), looked up all the different ways to say "No sex!" in Europe. Here is her list so far:

Niet seksueel - Dutch
Aucun sexe - French
Kein geschlecht - German
Sorry the Greek was unwritable
Nessun sesso - Italian
Ningun sexo - Spanish
Na hysplen - Welsh

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Eat Your Heart Out!!

Today was my food fight. It ended up being a small, intimate affair but it was the most fun I've had in a while.
Brad dressed up just for the event.

So did Brady and Hannah...gotta love these two, always down for anything.

And it wouldn't be a party without Clayton.

We had plain spaghetti, spaghetti with meat sauce, whipped cream, oatmeal, ranch, ketchup, mustard, mashed potatoes, silly string, applesauce, stewed tomatoes, eggs, cake, and flour.

There is a sweet video. I will post it later this week.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Lessons to My Nieces #2: Underwear

I cannot stress enough the importance of good underwear. One morning you are going to wake up and realize that the only thing getting you out of bed is the fact that you have to pee. It is at this point that you will realize how valuable your collection of underwear is because despite how non-existent your love life is, how mind-numbing your daily routine is, or how disproportionate your breasts are, damn you look amazing in that underwear (btw my breast are perfectly proportionate).

So here is a little lesson in underwear: If you are well endowed do not even waste your time with anything but a thong. All of that fabric is just going to end up in between your bountiful buns so why not have a little ribbon instead of your grandma's clothesline up in there.

You know what how about you just watch the video:

Monday, March 7, 2011

Posty McNewvideo

Lessons for my nieces #1

If you really feel you must earn some sort of education beyond a GED decide to go to a community college near an Ivy League school. That way you can party with wealthy, intelligent men.

After making sure they're rich and clean (down there), have unprotected sex with these men that way you can get pregnant and ride that meal ticket for a good 18 years.

Really get to know your gynecologist and their lab techs...they could always be an asset in faking lab results.

While vocational schools may not put you on the path to wealth it's a great place to meet lesbians and experiment. Also try playing rugby or taking a women's studies class.


Start learning to kiss early; you'll be more popular in high school.

Keep records of everyone you kiss; you’ll find this interesting to look at later in life.

Always laugh at your mistakes. Your boyfriends are always uglier after you’ve broken up. Try not to dwell on the fact that when you were 19 you dated a guy that looked like the Geico gecko but lacked its charm.

You have Chabot in your blood, which according to your grandmother makes you a great lover but you also have Catholic in you which makes you inherently guilty about every life decision. Make good choices.

Have sex but not too much...it causes wrinkles and AIDS.

Visit a nudist colony once in your life, after experiencing that visual decide to start dating younger men.

Remember whatever you decide to do with your life I will support you, just not financially.