Monday, March 7, 2011

Lessons for my nieces #1

If you really feel you must earn some sort of education beyond a GED decide to go to a community college near an Ivy League school. That way you can party with wealthy, intelligent men.

After making sure they're rich and clean (down there), have unprotected sex with these men that way you can get pregnant and ride that meal ticket for a good 18 years.

Really get to know your gynecologist and their lab techs...they could always be an asset in faking lab results.

While vocational schools may not put you on the path to wealth it's a great place to meet lesbians and experiment. Also try playing rugby or taking a women's studies class.


Start learning to kiss early; you'll be more popular in high school.

Keep records of everyone you kiss; you’ll find this interesting to look at later in life.

Always laugh at your mistakes. Your boyfriends are always uglier after you’ve broken up. Try not to dwell on the fact that when you were 19 you dated a guy that looked like the Geico gecko but lacked its charm.

You have Chabot in your blood, which according to your grandmother makes you a great lover but you also have Catholic in you which makes you inherently guilty about every life decision. Make good choices.

Have sex but not too causes wrinkles and AIDS.

Visit a nudist colony once in your life, after experiencing that visual decide to start dating younger men.

Remember whatever you decide to do with your life I will support you, just not financially.


    Seriously, how do you come up with this stuff?! There has to be a venue I can market you in and then cheat you out of the money you earn. Any good friend would do this and it is evidence of success, i.e. Backstreet Boys and any child actor.

  2. Haha oh Mary...Of course you can exploit me.